t’s been a while now when i forgot about blogging; when i started secluding myself from the people who once thought i would be a success. It’s been a while now when i started worrying about what might happen the next few days, few weeks, this new year.
For two weeks i’ve struggled. People inflicted so much pain that it made me feel nothing was bearable. I played a lot during this vacation. I played with danger, i got dirty and yet, i felt fulfilled not because i am happy but because somehow, i know i’ve eased the suffering all by myself. That i don’t need any help. although sometimes i tend to harass every person in my contact.
Dancing. It has been my passion for years. And at this point, i feel that passion resurrected. Not that i wanted it to happen but because it should be.
Singing. I never knew i could be fond of humming melodies, of listening to heartbreaking laughters and cries of the lyrics. Of my friends’ melodious voices trying to get me to sleep every tiime i talk about MY stuff. Those stuff i need to unload.
Blogging. i felt this urgent need to pour all of these here. I’ve used simple words, for i don’t want to be like him. So strange, so high, so unreachable.
Him. yes, he is the reason why i am doing all of these things this christmas vacation. disclaimer: HE IS NOT MY LIFE ANYMORE. I’ve turned selfish now, trying to console myself that pampering the whole me would change everything, every single detail of this life.
CONTRACT. I’ve gotten into trouble, i know, for once again i made a sword hang over me. Anytime, i would be dead. I put myself into danger. Something i know i can’t escape and that its consequences are inevitable.
ONCE MORE i saw the other guy. I was in pain when i saw him. it’s not because i still feel for him but because i was irritated that he has still the guts to show up after what he has done to me. Maybe because i’m just too kind and that i’m just too considerate , too friendly to let him walk right in front of me smiling. i should have slapped him or kicked his ass or throw him into the waters. but i didn’t. i loved him, i know it wasn’t that deep but i know i did have certain special feelings for him. But i admit, as i type these words and try to think of the best words to write , one word crosses my mind. “JOY”… yes, i know HE has found happiness.. HE has found his JOY…
FRIENDS last really longer than boyfriends. That’s true. i was disturbed when two of my friends came to me crying over their girl, or should i say, the girl they supposed to be calling theirs. It’s funny how people try to comfort themselves by asking pieces of advice when they know that it was just for the ritual. For the record, nobody followed any of my advice. they just brushed through the letters , scanned my text messages, mulled over them but nothing was done according to plan. they went on their own ignoring that there’s still me, their FRIEND.
it’s funny how i try to compose this entry. i wanted to concentrate on a single phenomenon, to a single emotion, to a single feeling but i just can’t. it seems like i was pretty overwhelmed by all these happenings. I just can’t consider them experience, maybe because i didn’t learn any.
NEW LIFE. i’m trying to convince myself to live a new life. to be the new me, but i guess all i could is to cross my fingers until one of my ‘PRAYER points’ come true. by the way, you could scrap the first one since i think i already forgot how to do it. That’s the other problem, i am lost and no where to be found…
SOLACE. like now, i am all by myself. like what he tried to be when i said NO. like what he used to say when i try to be close to the ‘other’ him. like what he did when his girl died. like what i did when i decided to stop the game, to stop loving, to stop bleeding..
Note: the words ‘he’, ‘him’ and ‘his’ are relative. they point to different people. it’s not a problem if you really know my story.
God is enough, HE is to MUCH!
17 years ago
