SOLACE

t’s been a while now when i forgot about blogging; when i started secluding myself from the people who once thought i would be a success. It’s been a while now when i started worrying about what might happen the next few days, few weeks, this new year.

For two weeks i’ve struggled. People inflicted so much pain that it made me feel nothing was bearable. I played a lot during this vacation. I played with danger, i got dirty and yet, i felt fulfilled not because i am happy but because somehow, i know i’ve eased the suffering all by myself. That i don’t need any help. although sometimes i tend to harass every person in my contact.

Dancing. It has been my passion for years. And at this point, i feel that passion resurrected. Not that i wanted it to happen but because it should be.

Singing. I never knew i could be fond of humming melodies, of listening to heartbreaking laughters and cries of the lyrics. Of my friends’ melodious voices trying to get me to sleep every tiime i talk about MY stuff. Those stuff i need to unload.

Blogging. i felt this urgent need to pour all of these here. I’ve used simple words, for i don’t want to be like him. So strange, so high, so unreachable.

Him. yes, he is the reason why i am doing all of these things this christmas vacation. disclaimer: HE IS NOT MY LIFE ANYMORE. I’ve turned selfish now, trying to console myself that pampering the whole me would change everything, every single detail of this life.

CONTRACT. I’ve gotten into trouble, i know, for once again i made a sword hang over me. Anytime, i would be dead. I put myself into danger. Something i know i can’t escape and that its consequences are inevitable.

ONCE MORE i saw the other guy. I was in pain when i saw him. it’s not because i still feel for him but because i was irritated that he has still the guts to show up after what he has done to me. Maybe because i’m just too kind and that i’m just too considerate , too friendly to let him walk right in front of me smiling. i should have slapped him or kicked his ass or throw him into the waters. but i didn’t. i loved him, i know it wasn’t that deep but i know i did have certain special feelings for him. But i admit, as i type these words and try to think of the best words to write , one word crosses my mind. “JOY”… yes, i know HE has found happiness.. HE has found his JOY…

FRIENDS last really longer than boyfriends. That’s true. i was disturbed when two of my friends came to me crying over their girl, or should i say, the girl they supposed to be calling theirs. It’s funny how people try to comfort themselves by asking pieces of advice when they know that it was just for the ritual. For the record, nobody followed any of my advice. they just brushed through the letters , scanned my text messages, mulled over them but nothing was done according to plan. they went on their own ignoring that there’s still me, their FRIEND.

it’s funny how i try to compose this entry. i wanted to concentrate on a single phenomenon, to a single emotion, to a single feeling but i just can’t. it seems like i was pretty overwhelmed by all these happenings. I just can’t consider them experience, maybe because i didn’t learn any.

NEW LIFE. i’m trying to convince myself to live a new life. to be the new me, but i guess all i could is to cross my fingers until one of my ‘PRAYER points’ come true. by the way, you could scrap the first one since i think i already forgot how to do it. That’s the other problem, i am lost and no where to be found…

SOLACE. like now, i am all by myself. like what he tried to be when i said NO. like what he used to say when i try to be close to the ‘other’ him. like what he did when his girl died. like what i did when i decided to stop the game, to stop loving, to stop bleeding..

Note: the words ‘he’, ‘him’ and ‘his’ are relative. they point to different people. it’s not a problem if you really know my story.

Just when i started asking why...

alright, here i am in a net shop far from the original IT, trying to waste my time in this stupid post. Oh well, i was really trying hard to console myself with the idea that i am with a cousin, and that i will have a free ride back home. I was really trying hard to forget what happened last night but then things pushed me to the limits. I couldn't wait for all my questions to be answered. Why why why. Why did i end up this way?
i thought i was strong enough to withstand all these things which kept on taunting me yet i was wrong. No matter how many times people tell me i'm smart, i know i could always prove them wrong.
shit! i'm not making any sense. all i want to say is i'm madly 'in love' with him,he's not in love with me, and that he will never be..

25th

***
24th
***
Brother: aaahh! i still don't have a gift!
Me: For me?
*silence, i think he didn't hear what i said
Brother: Tomorrow's the 25th!It's our monthsary! What shall i give her?
Me: Aah..
Brother: AH, F*** it's your birthday!
Me: i know right!
Brother: Sorry, I forgot...

*shrugs
***
23rd

***
She sit steadily while the jeepney strode off under the heavy pouring rain. After glancing at her watch, she accidentally gazed at this guy seated 10 o'clock from her left. Time seemed to stop at the moment their eyes met. She smiled at him unconsciously and thoughts crossed her mind, nasty thoughts she thought those were. The young man held his gaze while she scrutinized the outline of his face. Perfect face, she thought, perfect smile. Her heart beat faster trying to control herself from giggling. She knows she's blushing that's why she tried to cover her face with her right hand. The young lad looked away with a nod then started to stare at the rain. She hurriedly looked down not to embarrass herself with the idea that she made him feel uncomfortable. Seconds later, they were playing a nasty game, now, they both have something to ponder on, something more important , something that kept them from staring at each other's eyes.

The gushing wind whistled along with a manly but soft voice. It was him, telling the driver to stop the vehicle. She immediately looked at his face seemingly disturbed, asking why; why it has to end this way. She didn't even get his name she thought. The answer was a blank stare with a short smile and then he left.

*shrugs

Filipino Microcosms

i went to bed last night at 1 in the morning, getting ready for the fieldtrip that was supposed to start at 7:30. Good god, our professor arrived at 8:30. Hell yeah, we waited for an hour, i should have slept for another 30 minutes or cooked my breakfast!

honestly, i don't wanna talk about the augustinian church nor the fort santiago. I just want to share how the huge MALL of ASIA became our target observatory for this specific issue, filipino microcosms. It was such a lame excuse for having us stay there! if we know it right, it was just a time for them to relax and get away of their respective officeworks. Anyhow, i enjoyed giving my feet calluses , strolling around the mall, eating ice cream and consciously blabbering about how the tycoons shop in the middle of the day.Too bad for me, i saw only 3 groups of what i could tell tycoons. Those with huge bags of nike, guess, and louis vuitton. whatta?!
Oh well, if i remember it right, it was in the second floor when i happened to lure about this stuff. Why in this world would you find all the expensive signatured stuff lined up in the upper floor and most specifically in the least exposed corners of the mall? why do mass-oriented boutiques line up at the ground floor? why do the most expensive restaurants and food services found at the upper level while fastfoods are found in the basement? I could just observe rich kids on the escalator pointing to restaurants such as gumbo while holding their venti starbucks coffee, cuddling their louis vuitton bags and wearing their guess shades. On the other hand, those who are on plain shirts and jeans are running around with their rubber shoes finding less seated fastfoods carrying their knapsacks and tinkering with their less-than-the-N-series nokia phones. From this point,those who are blessed enough start going up while those who aren't stays on the ground- a very familiar illustration of how the society works. Tycoons continue to stay at the top, lying in their beds of green and blue bills , splurging every thousand in luxury while the poor stays to be hopeful, gripping their coin purse and trying to figure out the best way on how to spend each peso wisely. What should we do to stop this? is there something we could do to help?

I am so disappointed that i could not answer these questions at this point because i know, i , too know that i'm in the verge of a crisis. Maybe i should stop philosophizing at this time of the day. It's just not to apt for me to do this. I guess it's enough that i finally realized this thing: being in MOA for 3 hours doing nothing is more likely 3 hours of philosophizing. NOw that makes sense.

Resurrection

Monday
I showed up during the Bio Majors' Day and after minutes of waiting for the game, it was not pushed through. Now what would i expect? yeah dear, a throng of roving eyes which seemed to pierce every bit of me, i don't know if they're trying to drive me insane or maybe it's just their nature to gaze at people like that. god! How should i belong? what should i feel? ha ha,funny but i think i am paranoid, terribly crazy.

And oh, before i forget, the rookie has at last played her first game and it was a nice match. Got in on the second set after staying at the bench watching her team topple down the opponents'.Victorious as it may sound, yet, we haven't secured a slot for the semis. Too bad, i guess we just keep our fingers crossed for the mean time.

Yes, I am alive once again, building up my dreams even though i haven't gotten any of what i wanted to get in the first place. God made me realize i was already being too anxious that i tend to loosen my grip from my faith, from everything that are supposed to be given to me if only i had listened, if only i kept my faith , if only i kept on holding on to Him, to my God.

Now, i am still praying hard that things will get better, that i will finally be zapped back, that i will once again be His servant, faithful and worthy enough to receive His blessings.

Bannuar Has Come back for more!

Brainstorming for the DTIC , Leaders' Forum and other projects for next semester started yesterday.

I was tasked to draft the mechanics for the debate tournament. How exciting! Wee!! the venue? Baguio baby! Baguio!

Cruela De Ville has come back

Minutes ago, i was answering the darn laboratory exam. Minutes ago, i was confused, i was asking myself what went wrong. I was not satisfied with my answers, i know somehow they're wrong but at some point they're right. I was frustrated knowing that i know i've prepared for this exam. Or perhaps did i?

Minutes ago, i saw myself once more craving for some enlightenment. Why does life need to be like this, you do your best and yet the universe conspires to make you fail. Why do people try to become the shadow whenever you try to become the hero of the day? why does the shaman go on the other side when in fact she must be my hermit in this battlefield?

Mrs. Mcgonagail disappeared during the time i need her most. She presented herself well during the first day and promised to take care of me during the whole span of my stay in Hogwarts. Yet, during my battles she was not there. What i see is a monster, consciously laughing at me and her doomed students during her examinations. I see Cruela De Ville in her, the egoistic monster who earns thousands of peso and in turn curses her students for no valid reasons at all,not a single one, none. Yes, the Devil has come back, and she came back for more.

As i was scrutinizing the creature drenched in formalin in front of me, Cruela approached me and smiled sarcastically. Why? She tried to peek at my answers and i covered them. I do not want to be humiliated in front of the class once she sees whatever wrong i may have written on the paper. As i cover my paper, she gave me a strange look, something I've never seen before. Painful enough to make sick, horrifying enough to drive me insane and most of all, evil enough to curse me to hell.

I know it's not my fault. I studied well. Maybe it was due to my disappointment in the lecture exam that made me frustrated all throughout the course. Or maybe, my subconsciousness tells me to get mad because frankly, the questions in the laboratory exam are the questions she never dared to ask us. Those are the hidden questions at the back of her mind which she suppressed in order to leave us clueless, I know. I may not be the best student for her but who cares? She's not my best teacher either. She's one of the worst. The sinister in her personality will never make me comfortable but rather will make my life miserable. She meant to kill not only me but the whole class. She meant to leave us dumbfounded at the midst of the exam. She meant to make us suffer.The reason? Still left unexplained. She did not teach us the what's and why's of things not because she doesn't want to but because she doesn't know anything! Worse,she tries to impress us and she always fails.She tries to sound noble and genius but it doesn't suit her. She tries to let us do whatever she says yet, she doesn't even know how to do it. She has the authority but she doesn't have the wits. She's a miserable creature. She doesn't belong to the institute. She should not be here in this institution.

Right now i already accepted the fact that i won't go higher than the exemption grade or worse, i will not be exempted. She's happy now seeing me and the others lament on this failure. Yet, we won't be moved and we'll make sure she'll suffer all the consequences. She just have to wait for the verdict, the bells will soon ring and she'll be beheaded. She must start praying hard, the earth shall swallow her alive. sounds evil? she's more evil than my thoughts in mind. She's the Devil and no one will go beyond her evilness. The light will soon come and we'll be delivered. We'll be the heroes of the day when we sign the manifesto. She'll be left unaided. We will conquer this fight.

Reminiscing

I remember making this post years ago in my other blog. (the one that's been blocked)
UNTITLED






“I have always been like this, sipping over a cup of coffee during breaks , taking a nap and reading what I have thought of reading……..”






Townsville, Indigo Plateau, APRIL ‘07



11:00 am



It’s eleven in the morning and I’m still in bed…It’s going to be a big day, I know. I don’t know why but until now I don’t want to go out of my room, I don’t want to do anything, I just want to be in bed .

As I try to stir the whole of my sanity, I see my self at peace. The tranquility of my soul let vivid thoughts came into my mind. I am now looking life in a deeper perspective. You know, once I thought, people who bid goodbye are those people who are unreal; people who cry are those people who are weak and the people who ignore changes are those who are strong.

Alas! I have been fooled by myself for years. But now I know, it’s the right time to rectify the misunderstood principles of letting go and moving on.







1:30 pm



Processional



As I shut the car’s door, I saw my kiths smiling at me. “These people are the ones who inspire me and embolden me to turn out to be a strong individual”, I said to myself. While walking towards the line, I can’t help but reminisce the joy, the tears, and all the fun we have experienced together.

Yes, time flies so swiftly indeed. Four swift years have passed and now, we are standing in line, waiting for our final march. It feels like it was only last year when we first met. It was only last week when we had our semestral break and it was only yesterday when we were still rushing all our requirements for graduation.

I can still remember our firsts. First “Hello!”, first chit-chat with one another, first homework, first project and others. I will never forget all the laughter we shared because of the shallow jokes each one tells the group, the tears because of our thin-skinned emotions and our fights and arguments because of our childish nature.

Whew! It’s really astonishing to know that now, we are to go out of our alma mater and explore the wider world outside.




Awarding Ceremonies



“Schultz, Khriane Dublins y Kashmin”, I stood and walked towards the center stage, bowed in front of the audience and accepted my diploma.

What a breathtaking moment it was, when finally the evidence of all your hard work was handed to you. It was a great feeling of jubilance and indeed a blissful jiffy knowing that the world is smiling at you and welcoming you to begin the journey outside. Thinking about the future, I envisage the career waiting for me.

As I closed my eyes, I saw my self wearing a white laboratory gown, with a stethoscope hung in my neck reviewing and analyzing results of examination for the patient’s prognosis. As I gazed at myself and keenly observed how I performed the task, I smiled. Yes, I know, ten years from now I will be a physician. Someone who’ll touch others’ spirits, someone who’ll save lives.

When I opened my eyes, the sound of clapping hands reverberated and I can see the people in front of me smiling, with their eyes expressing great love, concern, and sincere congratulations. This scenario made me cry. The sense of belongingness overwhelmed my being. My heart was pounding so fast because of excitement and tremendous joy, with my knee, quivering in anxiety and my spirit, lifted and touched by the Almighty.




Recessional







The day has ended, the program was closed, and there I was waiting for my father to fetch me. All of a sudden, I felt a thug inside of me, which made me cry so hard. I don’t know why I was giving off so many tears. No one was with me, no one. It felt like I was wounded by the cutting edge of a knife. I looked back at the façade of my alma mater and then I realized. The pain I was having within my soul is the torment brought about by the reality- I am about to leave, I am about to venture alone.

Letting go is the answer. And it’s really hard for me. Almost three-fourths of the lessons I’ve learned came from this institution. In this proportion, it is definitely an arduous challenge to learn to move on. I know I’ll be fine, soon….soon …. after the wounds have healed.

As the car approached me with its gleaming headlights, I knew it’s the time to bid my last farewell. I crossed my fingers, looked back for the very last time, smiled and said “Thank you!”.




10:00 pm







I am now in bed, still disturbed by the aftershock of this day’s events. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is the opening of the new chapter of my life.

Hours from now, time will alter the whole of me. It will provide the adjustments, for tomorrow I will no longer be a high school teenybopper, still dependent on my classmate’s opinions. I will no longer be a lady-like individual, immature and oblivious of the happenings around me. I will no longer be a senior playing the role as a model to the juniors. I will no longer be the same for tomorrow I shall change.

“Cheer up! I know you can make it …. With the blessings of our Lord, God almighty, you will seize all the challenges, conquer all the trials and be what you dreamt of becoming ten years from now. “




-end-




“Dr. Schultz, you are needed in the ER”



“Okay, I’ll be there in a second!”.



I stood up, had my last sip on my cup ,got my gown and closed the diary I’ve written 10 years ago……..

the enchanter

He boldly stood in the midst of the crowd with his hands digging into his satchel. The relentless atmosphere seemed to obliterate the tranquility of his being; however, his distinctive character inevitably glimmered and eventually altered the wearisome and unmitigated environment. It may seem enigmatic but that’s him, so mystical with his fervor so intense that I couldn’t refrain from staring at his diffident yet very strong character.


There are so many things I love about this knight of mine. I love the manner he talks, the way he exposes his winsome smile and the way he looks at me with his tantalizing eyes. The sincerity of his looks tells a thousand words like a silhouette of a portrait painted with relish and fervor. His faith in the Creator stands still, with no ostentation and hypocrisy. His credo in life is so intricate, that is “Don’t believe in your doubts and don’t doubt your beliefs.” That’s him, the inner him.




His expression of love seems to succumb all his endeavors in life. He is so sympathetic that he even gives me the last bite of his burger. He cheers me up when I’m anxious and melancholic but he doesn’t console me whenever I cry. He doesn’t even dry my tears but instead, he cries with me, also vexed and stricken. He doesn’t offer help whenever I’m distressed but rather emboldens me to strive harder and helps me straightened the folds. These are his antics, so simple yet so complex. It will be plain stupidity on my part if I will not be proud of what I have- it’s him, someone I can call a man rather than a boy.



I know he astounds the woman in me. His whole personality enthralls my senses with his sweet antics continuously reverberating in the sound of my consciousness. Actually, I’m still mystified, with "how?" and "why?" always crossing my mind. I don’t know what’s in his character that makes every scenario with him a knee-quivering and a breath-taking one. He might have cast a spell on me or he owns that magical wand capable of altering the entire world of mine. Whatever reason may be said about this labyrinth, one thing is for sure, God is the planner and He destined him to play a part of my life that is to be what he is now: Les sen figuré de mes vie- the enchanter of my life.

I've fallen hard for this

Note: this post is so vague that you have to twist your brains in order to grasp what's really the fuzz.

4 hours of dating with Hickman and Campbell made me flicker my phone for another 4 hours arguing with an old friend on what should i be and how should i act in the near future.

I have always been an egocentric individual, an infidel as what a Kuya of mine loves to describe people who lose their faith at all times. Nevertheless, i love being this way despite judgments and criticisms by the crowd that surrounds me, acting like i do not care at all. " i do not need to please these feeble animals , i do not belong in their zoo", i haughtily tell myself every time this throng of roving eyes casts a shadow on what i am trying to portray , on what i am trying to be.This throng is my mortal enemy and it pains me in the ass seeing some of my friends standing at the front line of this battle, standing on the other side, standing against me.He belongs to this throng, i know. I couldn't be wrong.

It has been years since i last saw this friend and i just can't decipher what is he trying to let me assume. Prophesizing at this downfall of my faith made me realize how stupid i am to gawk at the senseless and imbecile entities surrounding me knowing that i could not even define myself, i could not even identify what entity resides in the inside of me. A cupid? an angel? or perhaps a monster, craving not for justice but for self- satisfaction.

Despite his attempts to let me unravel the secrets i have been hiding, secrets that keep on haunting me everyday of my life, I did not give in. I will never concede to the fact that he's right and I am wrong. That will never happen.

This battle has lasted for years now, and i enjoy standing for my own rights , defending myself in front of the many eyes and raised eyebrows that scorn me to hell. I have been acquainted with these kinds of individuals who do not wish to see me reach my goals in life. They're the ones who keep on pushing me to that portal, that transitional zone where i will be transformed into a filthy rubbish, in contrast to what i am now- a victor.

I tend to succumb on pressures and indignations i face everyday but my faith , no matter how unstable it is, keeps me standing, keeps me fighting. I remember telling myself "I do not belong here, i deserve better" , when i scrutinized and dissected each obscene lofting that happened in my past. This battle might be jading and might seem to push me in the verge of insanity; yet i won't give up. I won't give up because i know i am not supposed to be picked on ; i won't give up for i know i am supposed to be on the top; i won't give up coz i do not want to end this battle, not only because this is a way for me to prove my worth but mostly because i am starting to love it. Yes, i have fallen for this battle and i won't yield and surrender until i get what i deserve.

GOd keeps His promises and i stand as a testimony

i'm back. after having posted two different issues on this blog. i'm back. Not because i still have problems and grudges to air but because i feel blessed!

Blessings do really come on the time you expect the least. My mother has just informed me that she passed the superintendency exam. And it really softened my heart. At this point, all i could say is thank you to Him who has shown another miracle in my life.

I have always asked God for improvements in my life. I doubted His power and might, even His existence. NOw, he disproved all the misconceptions i have been luring over these past weeks. Now, i know i have been wrong all this time. Now i am shameful of myself for not trusting God in the first place. Now i am scorning myself for having such a little faith. Now, i am saying sorry.

Praise God for all the things He has done. He again proved His great power and might . He again showed me what a promise should be like. He again proved the credibility of His word, of His identity. Praise God for all He has done. Praise God. !!!

Twilight

Before i become overwhelmed with my current downfall as what i have been talking about in my previous post, i would just want to comment on the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer.

Bravo bravo bravo! i like the story and i am looking forward to reading the other books!hahahah .thanks to Red! Now, i have another favorite!

Disturbed. That's my status right now. I really have to do something to feel good about my self. i hate this day.

i'd rather be a schizo than a fictitious fantasizing feeble individual

What the hell is wrong with being a schizo?

I can't believe even a radical and an activist who always says "all men have the rights to complain, to live and to do whatever he wishes to do" would totally trash the idea that schizophrenics still can mingle with the 'normal' people, in a 'normal' society.

Never did i imagine this situation- humiliated in front of the whole class not because i did poor on one of the required activities but because of hasty judgments and inconsiderate remarks which are totally out of the idea of what 'constructive criticism' should be like.

It's not that i don't accept criticisms but this one has really tainted the idealism that i once saw in the course when i first attended the class. I do not blame the authority for letting me expound on this work of mine which in turn caused me enough humiliation and grudge.

What's wrong with being a schizo? it's my goal to convince the public that schizophrenics do still belong in the society and that they could still think normally in some ways everybody does. Yes, let's say when you are a schizo, you are abnormal but then this should not halt your rights into living in a normal environment. That was my goal in this work. But here comes the throng of roving eyes telling me that i should have come up with a story of some one fantasizing rather than a schizo just because they said, if she's a schizo, she must be different. Does this mean ladies and gentlemen that schizos cannot live with us normal individuals? does this mean that we should isolate her ? Why do i have to change the structure, the identity of my character if it means changing the whole theme of the story?

as an evidence, here's an excerpt from the world health organization's forum on schizophrenia:
Myth:

Patients with schizophrenia are dangerous and should be confined to the house, hospitals or jails.

Fact:

Most patients with schizophrenia prefer to be left alone and do not harm others. However, some patients, particularly those with a history of substance abuse or alcohol abuse, can become violent. Such episodes often occur when they are hearing voices or imagining threats to them. Patients should be handled in a calm reassuring manner without fear.

This is my personal stand regarding the unwanted criticism i had a while ago, forgive me for bringing this up here in the cyberspace . I just do feel i have the right to cry out what's really inside of me. I have the right to defend my self and i have the right to justify what i have done.

At the end of the day,this downfall is very helpful in these times for it clearly made me realize that not all the things you think and you perceive as the good end up really good;not all things in life that you look up to are deserving of your respect and enthusiasm and not all people whom you think are logical and rational enough are able to understand you, sometimes they tend to transform into fictitious and fantasizing feeble individuals who hastily pour in illogical arguments and hasty judgments thus making you feel you're not worthy enough to belong.

Disclaimer: i did not post this to insult them, i just felt this is a major turning point in my academic life.

To Aileen: 10 ways to what?!

Note: aileen, i can't think of something informative with the topic u gave me. u could read my previous post here in my blog as a proof. In any way, i thought of sharing you this speech me and my dorm mate last year constructed for her speech com class. I just made some changes so it won't be that long..

title:(you don't have to mention the title,maintain a friendly aura, don't orate.hehe ) How to flirt?The art of flirting

You don't need to deny it..
You don't need to feel guilty..
Everyone does it..
Mr/s_____(name of prof) did (if married)/ does (if single) it.
I do it..
I flirt.

Ladies and gentlemen, please don't judge me. I'm only doing this to add some spice to this morning/afternoon's affair. I know my grade is at stake, yet, i took courage on constructing this speech for i know, you will be entertained. You will relate to this one, i knew it . So then, let me move on with my speech entitled: The art of flirting. Smile everyone, let's take this easy. i know you are all interested.

Flirting is not at all a sin, tell me who says so and i'll prove it isn't. Flirting is a common activity to human and animals that's why it is sometimes considered an art. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, an art.
Before you think of me delivering something senseless, let me tell you what are the advantages of flirting. Yes, it may seem self-fulfilling, a shallow flotsam but it has deeper advantages ladies and gentlemen.

First point, when you flirt, you tend to be friendly , and this boosts your confidence in interacting well with other people. For girls flirting makes them feel beautiful. Flirting gives them the power to prove themselves in the midst of an identity crisis or even at times when they feel they aren't special. This activity gives them the courage to stand up for something, to do something for themselves, to make themselves happy even if what they get out of this are mere thoughts of happiness. What do i mean? When people flirt, they tend to overlook at their own flaws and on the other hand steps their foot forward into something great , to something fun, something exciting. They might not get what they initially wanted but the experience as to how they tried to get it (note: it here refers to someone or something) makes it fulfilling, makes it worth it.

Second, when someone flirts, he/she opens another pane in her Johari window, something which he/she or the others do not know about him/herself. This activity helps him explore his capabilities, test his wits and even prove his existence. This shallow and cheap activity (as what others may think ) has great and deeper implications and benefits to him/herself if only he tries to scruitinize it and dissect the activity's nature.

Enough of the advantages, i know you're getting bored. So then, let's move on to the HOWs... Guys and Girls, listen.
Here are some ways on how to flirt conscientiously:
1. Eye contact matters. If you want to catch someone's attraction, maintain eye contact. They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, but in this battle, your eyes are your weapon, your sword and your coat of arms. Your eyes will expres s whatever you want to say. Make a good eye contact, maintain it and you'll surely get his attention. Tip: when you already established an eye contact, try to look away or look down and then look back. This would make it more seductive. Just make sure you're eyes won't be that too sensual and seductive or you may transmit the wrong notion to the subject.
2. They say long-haired women are now out of fashion, but i say they are still men's universal choice. For girls with long hair, when in the battle field , you need to flip your hair in the most graceful way possible. Always make sure your hair is always smooth, shiny and fixed. Use creamsilk! (joke lang eto ah, kaw kung sasabihin mo, haha). Expose your neck, men are attracted to long necks. For short-haired women, just be prim and proper and follow the next tip.
3. Fashion tip: Studies say that men are attracted to long neck, as i have mentioned earlier, so use clothes which bear your shoulders and your neck. Hanging outfits are not advisable this time, tight-fitting clothes emphasizing one's torso are better.
Since I'm running out of time, let me give you this one last tip (kunwari marami ka pa sasabihin, palusot na lang ito, kunwari tingin ka sa watch mo.hehe)
Here it is: when you make contact with someone, i.e. a tap on his/her shoulder, make it on his/her left. Why? biologically speaking, emotions are contained in the right hemisphere of the brain and since the nerves connected to the brain are twisted behind the neck, one could get to one's senses and emotions through the left side.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, but before i end my speech, i would just like to give you a disclaimer: this speech was not constructed to promote promiscuity nor defend immorality. Flirting is not bad at all for as long as you know you're limitations. You may end up in a long-lasting relationship after flirting or you may just have a short-term, click-inspired one. Liberty is given to all of us, yet it is our duty to exercise it well. Just as what Albus Dumbledore said, our choices define who we are, far more than our abilities.This activity could ruin your self-portrait if uncontrolled. Flirting is not a sin for as long as you don't make it to be one. Now i will ask you guys and girls,mam/sir? (tingin ka sa prof haha) will you flirt or not?
Thank you..




NOte: xenxa sabog ang speech, wla nako maisip.. uhm.. impromptu eto, wala ng conceptualization. haha..

Manic tuesday!

Bannuar celebrates three birthdays this month (August). A small get-together was organized to greet the celebrants- manang vida, manang malorie and eugene. Food food food! Bannuar members enjoyed the feast with the flickers and flashes of the cameras brought by the gatekeepers of vanity. Talking about how the members exposed their narcisist's pose and winsome smiles (forgive me for the term), i can't help but think this organization is more than just a throng of responsible leaders but also a bunch of close-up model wanna-bes.

It's nine in the evening and i'm out of the house surfing the net. Poor me, (dad, i hope u can read this). It has been a month of debate between me and my dad as to what laptop should we procure in order to address this academic problem i am facing. For months now, i have been spending hours (late at night) outside our house, across the other street, working on my online responsibilities i.e. conferences and paper dues. And for months now, i have been asking dad to buy me my hero. Progress? hopefully next month, (not to mention next month's starting next week), this debate will finally come to an end, with him handing over my much awaited gadget. Anyhow, i am still crossing my fingers for this matter (sigh).

What crosses my mind right now is the speech i am supposed to construct to save my high school friend from the darkness of the podium. How should i do this? especially now that it has been some time since i last constructed an entertaining speech, far from the serious ones we often try to come up during mock debates or even during our discussions in my philosophy class. I guess i really need to ask help on this matter, but to whom? I don't usually ask help when making speech, and this just refutes my statement above. How? how? how? i need an inspiration especially that the topic is off-tangent to my current experience, to my current life. Laughing hardly, i can think of something awful to write or perhaps to talk about the requested topic which is: 10 ways on how to say 'no' to a suitor. Honestly i don't have any idea. Perhaps it's because i don't have a suitor right now?(do i have to sound bitter on this one?)or maybe it's just because, this kind of things is not on my list of priorities as of the present(better reason huh?). and by the way, while writing this post, i'm currently preparing my phone and my friendster and multiply accounts for photo uploading. ha ha ha!

This boils down to one thing, i don't know what to write and i guess i have to spend half an hour to figure out the right words to say or to write on the speech i am asked to construct. ...give me time... i'll be back, just as how i have came back from the reality when i almost forgot life is not as perfect as i first perceived it.

On Christian faith: Quo vadis Philippines?

My quest for an informative ACLE came to an end when I entered the Church of the Risen Lord and listened to the lecture of Mahar Mangahas of the Social Weather Station regarding the current state of religiosity in the Philippines.

The lecture started with an overview of what the survey was all about and why it was conducted every ten years. While I was listening to the lecture, the idea of religion and religiosity crossed my mind as well as the discussions in Philo10 regarding the existence of God. I began thinking of how the people in the other parts of the world accept the idea of God and how they integrate these beliefs into their way of living.

Statistics say that the Philippines is composed of about 80% of Catholics with the remaining percentage belonging to the other Christian denominations as well as the non-Christian groups such as the Muslims. There was no question raised then for these figures are really evident. The contention started when Mr. Mangahas presented the different answers to the different questions pertaining to the existence of God. It was found out that there was a higher percentage in the Non-Christian group who believes in the existence of a higher being. Why is this so? A lot of people raised this question and this query was further intensified when the other statistical figures were revealed.

With the questions such as ‘do you believe in heaven/hell?’ and “is pre-marital sex a sin?’, it was clear that more Christians answered yes than the non-christians. But, this was not the issue. When the graph comparing the Catholics and the non-Catholics were presented, it was found out that the Non-Catholics’ average percentage of saying yes to those kinds of questions were relatively higher than the Catholics. Moreover, it was revealed that in comparison to the other catholic countries such as Spain and Italy, the US has a higher percentage of people who readily says yes whenever asked if they believe in God. Again, why is this so?

A group asked Mr. Mangahas what are the parameters they used in conducting the survey and he elaborated the steps they used in getting the figures. The survey was really convincing and at the same time intriguing for it brings up the question of what is really the level of the Christians’ belief in a ‘god’? A lot of people say yes, they believe in an existing god, yet their answers to practical questions refute their answers in that trivial question. The survey by the SWS was so comprehensive that it incorporated questions from the basic concepts in the Christian doctrine such as the idea of heaven and hell, the good and the bad, what is a sin, and even sex out of marriage.

If deducted by logic, one can see the contrast among their answers which reflects how unstable the faith and beliefs of the people are. If this is the case then does it mean that people believe just for the sake of believing? Or that they say they believe just for having a belief? Do they just try to believe in something just because this something has been the belief since the birth of the ages? This again boils down to what a belief should be like or rather what is really a belief in the first place? Does it need to be something you would forever hold on to? But beliefs also change just as people do. These questions may not give a definite answer, yet these will widen horizons and expand human understanding. This is why there’s a need to ask the hard questions, such as why? what now? and quo vadis? for it is only through these tough queries that we start to philosophize, to defy the conventions and eventually understand more.

Bannuar: of service to the youth

14^th Annual Bannuar Debate Seminar

This year’s debate seminar was held at the Pyramid of Asia Resort, Manaoag , Pangasinan on July 26-27,2008 with the theme “Redefining Passion, Challenging Solutions”.

The event was participated in by 271 high schools students and advisers coming from the nine different high schools in Regions 1 and CAR, both private and public. The following are the schools which attended the seminar: Mariano Marcos State University Laboratory High School Laoag City Campus, Mariano Marcos State University Laboratory High School Batac Campus, Philippine Science High School- Ilocos Region Campus, Regional Science High School for Region 1, University of Baguio Science High School, Pangasinan National High School, Calasiao Comprehensive National High School, Lorma Colleges Special Science High School and Monticello International College.

Registration of participants started at 7 o’clock a.m. of July 26, with MMSU Laoag City Campus being the first delegation to arrive at the venue. The registration team was headed by Shiela May Sabalburo and Malorie Joy Mones of the Finance Committee. The opening program started at 10:30 a.m. which is obviously late as to what was stated in the programme. Bannuar members presented an ethnic dance and led the singing of the national anthem choreographed by Shayne Klarisse Eclarin. UP Bannuar Chairperson Anthony Luigi de Vera delivered his opening remarks while two representatives coming from the local government of Manaoag welcomed the participants. The event’s teasers, house rules as well as the introduction of the Bannuar members and the speakers were presented to the delegates using AVPs created by the technicals committee headed by Jose Benigno Aquino. The over-all flow of the opening program was supervised by the Programs Committee headed by Vienna Grace Santos with Elfermin Mallari Jr. and Malorie Joy Mones as the masters of the ceremony.

Right after the Opening Program, Vice Chairperson for Debate, Maria Lorraine Bugayong briefed the delegates as to how the parallel sessions will be conducted. Three venues were used for separate lectures on Asian Parliamentary format, British Parliamentary Format and Oregon-Oxford Format of Debate. Mr. Raymond Vittorio and Mr. Christian Villa from the UP Debate Society handled the lectures on BP and AsPar respectively while Mr. de Vera and Mr. Mallari of UP Bannuar handled the Oregon-Oxford. In a separate venue, Professor Ramona Flores , founding Chairperson of the UP Debate Society from the Speech Communications department conducted a training for the advisers on how to train student debaters in preparation for the debate tournament. The sessions lasted for an hour. At 12:45 pm, lunch was served and the participants were given an hour to relax.

The activity resumed at 2:00 pm with a plenary session on adjudication handled by Professor Flores, this time with the student participants. This was followed by the first module of the Leaders’ Forum on Youth Lifestyle handled by Ms. Emie lee Albano from the UNFPA. An open forum was initiated after the lecture and after which, a focused group discussion was conducted per group with Bannuar members as moderators. Students were tasked to present something creative out of this discussion and were asked to write a position paper for their group pertaining to any issue on youth lifestyle. Sessions were dismissed at 6:30 pm and dinner was served at the function hall.

The whole evening of July 26 starting at 8:30 pm was devoted to the social night and acquaintance party of the student participants. In this part of the training, the students presented their creative outputs from their focused group discussion. Their outputs served as entertainment to their fellow delegates while presenting their own stand on their chosen topic. The line-up of activities for the 1^st day ended with a pool party which came after the presentations and intermission numbers from the students and Bannuar members.

The 2^nd day of the seminar was opened at 7:30 am. Breakfast was served and after which team match-ups were posted at the bulletin boards in preparation for the mock debates. Students were teamed-up with students from other schools during this part of the seminar. The matches in the different formats were handled by the speakers from the UP debate society, Prof. Flores and Bannuar members.

Right after the Break at 10:30 am, plenary sessions for the leaders’ forum continued which started off with the lecture of Pastor VJ Bote on the Foundations of Leadership followed by Hon. Kris Ablan who discussed about the Youth Participation on Governance. The morning sessions ended at 1:00 pm with the lunch served at the function hall. Simultaneous with the lectures, the Technical Committee prepared the certificates of the speakers and the participating schools.

At 2:00 pm, Mr. Michael Lopez clearly expounded the seminar’s theme with his anecdote as a student leader and his experiences as the Commissioner of the NYC. After his talk, an open forum was initiated where students were able to ask questions regarding the theme and Mr. Lopez’ life as a youth leader. After the forum, the presentation of the position papers of the groups followed with Ms. Albano observing. The groups’ outputs were collected by Ms. Albano and according to her, will then be forwarded to the UNFPA for documentation.

Unfortunately, there was no closing program after the forum. This is mainly because schools decided to go home right after the forum, some even left while the sessions were still on-going due to the bad weather condition. As a result, schools did not get their certificates which are in the first place, delayed.

Bannuar members commenced the said event with bonding activities and short pre-evaluation of what transpired during the seminar. The whole staff left the venue at 6 a.m. on the following day and arrived in Manila at 9 a.m.

UP Bannuar + youth: rebuilding a nation of responsible leaders

The youth has the ability to change the current scenario of this wallowing nation. They have the capacity to exercise superior quality of leadership and promote synergism in order to arrest the current predicament which pushes our country in the verge of crisis. They have the innate nature to lead and to live a life of full of passion and service. THis is why it is imperative for the youth of today to speak out, take a stand and act on the current issues.

this year, UP Bannuar has paved the way for us to have a full grasp of what is happening in our society. the 14th annual bannuar debate seminar and leaders' forum aims to promote critical and logical thinking which will help the youth formulate possible solutions to the problems of today. Also, it is a venue where student leaders gather and hone their argumentative skills. This is an important aspect in our battle cry for responsible leadership for it is only when they speak out and articulate themselves that they contribute to the rebuilding of this nation. Through this, we will be able to rectify our errors, put them in the proper light and eventually pursue great hopes for our future.

So, if you are a student leader who wants to help rebuild this nation and who wants to develop his argumentative skills or simply to help himself articulate his own ideas, joint this debate seminar and you'll surely learn much out of it. !

Venue: pyramid of asia resort, manaoag, pangasinan
date: July 26-27,2008

Dare to be different. Dare to debate.

deception point

For months now, i have been a money freak, too much of being business-oriented, i forgot how blessed i am for having all these things around me.
It all started when i heard of the opportunities of gaining money while doing nothing. Yes, it was just my eagerness to earn and constant cravings for money that made me like this. I can forgive you if you say i am already obsessed with money. But what can i do? People today see money as their life, and unfortunately, i am one of its victim.
I tried to work as a tutor, i tried to sell goods and other stuff, i tried to carry on a task which later i found out to be a scam. Poor me, i am really this hopeless.
My family nurtured my being with so much love and care that i can tag myself as a spoiled brat. I just don't know why i was never contented with what they were giving me. I longed for more, and right now i admit, i am still on the craving for a huge sum of money, enough to sustain my life as a student and as a future student doctor. I don't know, but i hope people would understand me, i am just one of them who hopes for a bright future, who wants to live a worry-free life, who wants to be rich and acquire all the goods in life. I am just one of them who is still on the search for the truth, for the answers to all of this life's questions. I am just one of them who was victimized and yet still sit here still letting myself be deceived and be imprisoned by this thought in life. Yes, i am one of them, and unfortunately, i do not know when will i get freed by my own selfish esteem. i don't know why am i still standing here alone.

My mother used to tell me i will be a successful person, and this motivated me to exhaust every possible means in order to fulfill this. I do not know why am i writing this on this blog though i still have a lot of work to do as a youth servant , maybe because, this is what bothers me everyday, every night before i sleep and every day when i wake up.

I was christianized when i was in high school and i remember, i already lifted up my entire life to Him. i was worry-free during that time until tests of faith came and made me stumble and fall. after all those, i realized i am in a crucial crossroad, should i still continue with this faith i have started? with this relationship i have started to build? or should i just let go and be overwhelmed by my own filthiness. I remember i chose to stay and stand firm, yet, there has been a problem ever since. I didnt find my self , i didnt find who i really i was and who i really should be, never again. That's why it is a burden for me to speak of my faith, because i know deep inside, i have committed a crime that has been forgiven by the creator and yet was never cleared within my self. i have been a vulgar, i have been a sinner. and now, i do not know who i am. I wish i could be like the character in the movie wanted who choose to man his own life after struggling to find his own personality, his own character.

Forgive me for all these crap, but i really do not know who i am. What i know is that i am in an organization who serves the youth, but i always ask myself, am i serving the Lord? pity me, i can't answer all the questions although all the answers rely on me.

now i am starting a new perception about money, i am building a new goal towards my dreams, i am crossing the deception point so i could start anew. Why blogging? and why this kind of post? the answer is simple, i had my previous blog banned by the netgear firewall with the reasons i do not know and i don't want to know, ever. stupidity, yes. i guess, i could never be the raine i used to be before,. so help me GOd.